I’m Getting Older

And don’t think I’m ageing well…

Marjan Krebelj

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When I was a kid I looked up to my parents and other adults. They seemed like gods; omniscient and probably also omnipotent.

Sports figures of the time were heroic, TV presenters credible, politicians were serious and competent, practically everyone lived up to their highest standard.

Me at the age of 10

Even when I entered the university I considered my professors as the best in their field. Every word they spoke felt like mana falling from the sky, only to be absorbed without question. If something didn’t feel quite right I always presumed it was me who doesn’t get it.

I should try harder.

When my twenties were coming to a close I suddenly realised that in a very short time I’ll reach the age my father has in my earliest memories of him. Even then I understood that this could be a significant turning point for me. Will this be it?

Fast forward a few years later and here I am. One by one, year by year I’ll outgrow almost every person I keep in my memory.

Which is a funny thing, isn’t it? I finally get to see what it’s like!

So what is it like?

Well, disappointing, to say the least.

I don’t feel even a tiny bit like the image of an adult I had as a kid. I still feel like a rather hapless child, still stupid, and still baffled by the world and its complexity. I feel less and less confident when contemplating life or how it should be lived. I think understand tiny pockets of reality quite well, but when it comes to the big picture, it just keeps getting deeper and deeper…

There is a huge discrepancy when I confront my current self with the memory of adults I keep from my childhood. So either I am stupider than they were at the time, or they were never that much of an adult in the first place. Only one can be true and I’m leaning for the latter option. Not because of vanity, but because it seems more likely.

It is hard to let go of the idealistic fixations we hold from our younger age, isn’t it? Just how many times are we victims of it? We hold people in high esteem and then get disappointed when they don’t live up to it. Especially those we see on TV. But it wasn’t them, was it? It…

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Marjan Krebelj

Once an architect, now a freelance photographer/filmmaker with passion for words.